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  • When Hope Hurts: Navigating the Emotions of Recurrent Pregnancy Loss

  • Losing a baby during pregnancy is an intensely painful and often extremely isolating experience. It is the loss of so many hopes and dreams. It is often hidden away and may not receive the acknowledgement it deserves from the people in your life. This can bring a complex wave of emotions that feel overwhelming, and it can be difficult to know how to cope.
  • It’s important to remember that you are not alone during this time. There are people who understand what you’re going through and learning how to truly care for yourself as you navigate this loss is one of the most supportive things you can do.
  • Pregnancy brings transformation—shaped by hope for the future and a growing sense of the parent you will become. When you lose a baby, you lose that hope and part of your identity. Facing this loss repeatedly can deeply diminish your sense of self. To go through such intense emotional pain over and over can feel brutal, and it’s easy to feel completely alone in your grief.

  • In grief, we experience a full range of emotions: sadness, anger, guilt, numbness, jealousy, anxiety, and many others. These feelings often appear in a messy, unpredictable way that’s difficult to make sense of. When the loss is repeated, the emotional toll can feel even more intense and frightening.
  • This is a very real loss. But because it is the loss of a future—of something intangible—it’s often not fully acknowledged. Sometimes others invalidate it, and sometimes we do it to ourselves.
  • Rather than allowing ourselves to feel what’s there, we may try to push the emotions away and get on with life, or we may feel completely overtaken by them. Whichever way we respond, the emotions tend to gain more power and begin to dominate our daily lives.
  • However you’re reacting to this loss, it’s likely that your inner voice is not being kind to you. We all have an inner voice—a part of us that narrates our lives and experiences. For many of us, that voice hasn’t been trained to show compassion. Instead, we end up criticising ourselves and invalidating our own feelings.
  • Your inner critic might tell you that you’re failing as a parent or as a person. It may question you with painful thoughts like, “What did I do wrong?” or “What’s wrong with me?” It might even create pressure to move on quickly, echoing the silent expectations of others. Often, it speaks to us in ways we would never speak to anyone else.
  • This mix of overwhelming emotion and self-criticism makes the experience incredibly hard to navigate. And paradoxically, it can also be the time when reaching out for help feels the most difficult.
  • If I could offer just one piece of advice, it would be to start practising emotional validation. This isn’t something many of us have been taught. In fact, we’re often conditioned to dismiss or downplay what we’re going through. But learning to be kind to yourself—especially in moments of struggle—is one of the most powerful skills you can develop. And it’s exactly what you deserve.
  • Whatever you are feeling, try to recognise and name it. See if you can allow that feeling to be there without pushing it away or fearing it. Notice what it brings up in your body. Practise speaking to yourself with compassion and understanding—kind self-talk is one of the most protective things you can do for your mental health.
  • When pain arises, try to see it as a reflection of the love you hold. It hurts because you care so deeply, and that care deserves to be met with tenderness. Your love has turned into pain, and that pain needs your attention and compassion. Try giving yourself a hug, and imagine sending warmth and care into your own body.
  • Find a mantra or phrase that helps you stay present with your pain and respond gently to yourself. Something like:
    “This loss hurts. It’s painful, and I’m having a really hard time right now. It’s okay to feel like I do in this moment. My pain is a reminder of the love I have for my baby or babies.”
  • There may be pressure to move on, but only you can decide what’s right for you. Hoping again takes great courage. You may reach that point in your own time—but for now, it can be helpful to stay present. Ask yourself what you need in this moment. Your mind may race ahead to the future, but you don’t have to follow it there.

    • These are skills—emotional validation, self-kindness, staying present—and they take time to build. They’re also hard to develop alone, which is why support is so important.

    PANDAS is a mental health charity supporting parents, offering resources through email, phone, WhatsApp, and support groups, as well as a therapy programme where you can learn and practise the skills mentioned here. You do not have to face this alone. Support is available, and it is okay to ask for it.

    Whatever you’re feeling right now, please know that it is valid. Healing doesn’t follow a straight line, and seeking support is not a sign of weakness—it’s an act of strength. You deserve compassion, especially from yourself.

    Find support here
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